Having read 'Drink' by Ann Dowsett Johnston, I Have Realised So Many Things. I am 47 years of age. I am attempting to place on my normal perky, jovial face for the world but inside I am a total mix up.
Drink' helped me face my drinking habits which has been an issue for a long time. It made me feel uninsulated which was really soothing. Several problems in my life caused my misuse of alcohol and the usual reasons such as hereditary factors, and indiscipline does not feature. I never had a rosy childhood; My father was unfaithful probably due to my mother being obese and lacking in confidence leaving me without attention and care. Psychologically, I was strong.
Strangely, I never drank in high school. In any case, I went to college at a prestigious school which prided itself on its academics....and understudies prided themselves on their capacity to party. My varsity days mark the commencement of my drinking habits and misdemeanour with the common negative outcomes notorious with severe alcohol use such as improper conducts, headaches, vomiting and loss of consciousness.
I discovered the only manner for a fat girl to have a sexual intercourse was to be drunk with equally as drunk boys.
On one particular occasion, I found myself in bed with a random guy naked, and this happened when I was in Canada; Many times I ponder over this incident thinking how astonishing it is that I never got pregnant, injured or infected with any sexually transmitted diseases or worse still dead.
Then life goes on - I dated a nice guy, at the same time registered as a nurse and achieved a masters degree. On weekend we hang out together, occasionally drank wine together, and when I'm not together with him I would buy me a bottle for myself.
After that comes a moment when I got married, I got pregnant twice, both I had it when I completely abstained of alcohol. Life progressed, I found myself getting older day by day, the nice guy turned into workaholic husband with anger issues, one of my child turned out got ADHD, I was really stressed out at that time'. I would drank almost everyday, usually on Thursday-Sunday.
My husband got addicted to a local "brew-your-own" so we had cases and cases of alcohol...and shortly a nocturnal habit to crack one or two... Privately, I started mixing my own alcoholic beverages and hiding the glass in my baking cupboard.
After a hectic day at work, I return home to face domestic chores, dinner plans, getting my sick child to complete the task given to him at school and at the same time ensuring my other child does his house chore; in the midst of all these the only thought lingering within me is the wine I will take later and when the opportunity comes I drink to stupor. In the mornings, first thing I do is check my I-telephone to see whom I may have unintentionally messaged while inebriated.
But there is more - two years ago I became entangled in a very fierce emotional affair with one of my son's ally's father. The relationship never got physical (other then a couple embraces and standing close at donning occasions) however in the event that any of you have perused about (or encountered) an enthusiastic undertaking, the effect can be similarly as sensational and extreme, if not more so then a physical relationship. I was on seventh heaven - all the time my phone showed a message'.oh the rush of feelings. Usually we exchanged texts late into night, at times in the middle of the night, while we were at duty.
I was elated than I had ever been. The relationship was getting dangerously near intersection the sexual line and he pulled back. I have been ravaged and mourning this loss'.and the drinking heightened.
My mixed drinks alleviated me they helped the agony.
I feel so ashamed as I remember my past. The drunken episodes:
Being completely drunk at a party last year.
Squandered at my sister's 50th birthday
I randomly sent rant messages through my iPhone, I can't even control myself at that time.
Creating a scene in the presence of my children.
Punching my better half in the face
When my son had a friend sleeping over I had a total scream and shout fight, but it only happened once.
Now I am a bit more informed thanks to 'Drink', this platform where got me to know I am not alone and the remedial centre I am presently in, has been an eye opener. I feel like I am returning back home.